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  Chapter 15

  February 15

  Rod is still sleeping when I start up old Helen. Leaving the house, a twinge of uneasiness pangs in my belly. There are boxes in my car. It’s the start. I’m taking the first steps to leave my marriage. First real steps. Obviously, besides drugging Rod yesterday, though he says it was the best nap of his life. He woke about three hours after I drugged him, tired and uneasy. He ate my leftover lava cake that I left on the counter and watched some TV before going to bed and crashing.

  I watched him sleep, making sure he didn’t have side effects, but he was peaceful and calm all night.

  Unlike me.

  And as a result, I should be exhausted but I’m running on something other than rest. Adrenaline and stress.

  I can’t believe I’m taking boxes to my sister’s apartment in the city. An apartment I’m going to rent from them. A decision I’m numb about. Likely a lot of emotions I haven’t dealt with, sadness, failure, and betrayal, will bubble to the surface eventually. A ten-year marriage has ended.

  My phone rings, still not connecting to my Bluetooth. “Come on, Helen,” I say to the car as I answer. “Hello?”

  “Hey, it’s James. How are you?”

  “Good, just driving to the apartment now. I’ll be there in about half an hour. The traffic’s pretty good.”

  “I can hardly hear you. Your car’s got a terrible connection.”

  “No,” I say with a slight smile. “You’re on speakerphone because my stupid Bluetooth isn’t working. I’ll meet you in the parking lot in twenty.”

  “And you have some boxes?”

  “I do. I’ve been packing and hiding them in the guest room closet.”

  “Wow, sneaky. Is this how someone sends a hint the marriage isn’t working? Perhaps I should pay more attention to what your sister has in the random closets of our house,” he jokes.

  “I think we both know my sister wouldn’t survive this world without you,” I mock Liz, aware she is listening. “What year was it that she last made her own coffee? I can’t recall.”

  “You’re a shit, Lil!” Liz shouts into the phone.

  “Maybe but what year was it again?”

  “Anyway,” Liz snaps, her voice echoing in the poor connection. “We will meet you at the apartment.”

  “Fine,” I say back but the call disconnects. She knows I’m right. Her husband is pretty amazing.

  It was his idea to rent me the apartment for the mortgage payment amount. They could rent it for a thousand dollars more than what they’re charging me. From what I vaguely recall, it’s gorgeous. Granite countertops, craftsman-style cupboards, a stunning fireplace, a large deck overlooking the city, walls of windows, two bedrooms, and two bathrooms. And the location is amazing. It’s right downtown and a ten-minute walk to work. Plus the building is safe. And being newly single for the first time in a decade I have just realized that is important to me.

  When I arrive at the apartment, they’re standing outside the front doors. Both smiling far too wide for the reason we’re meeting up.

  Their cheeks are red and eyes glistening with excitement. I take it as a bad sign. Anyone who loves you should not celebrate the end of your marriage, if it was a healthy one. But that has never been our experience. From day one, no one thought we should get married. We were young and I was still hung up on someone I shouldn’t have been. Someone I think about every now and then and wonder where he is. More so these days, though I forbid myself to actively look into it. That was a door I closed a long time ago.

  “Hey,” Liz says excitedly as I open the door. “I meant to ask, how was he this morning?”

  “Yes, how was old Rod after you two idiots drugged him with ketamine?” James doesn’t sound like he approves. Which is why we didn’t tell him we were doing it. Obviously, Liz has told him since.

  “He’s fine. Slept like a log. Honestly, I think I did him a favor. He’s still sleeping peacefully.” I roll my eyes.

  “Well, I’m glad he’ll be okay, but I think this whole dishonest business is a bad idea.” James lifts his hands in the air. “I know, you don’t want my opinion. Anyway, shall we bring some things up?” he asks, hurrying over to the car. We each grab a box from the back seat.

  “Should you be carrying that?” I ask Liz.

  “If I can carry my five-year-old, I can manage this small box.” She scoffs and walks away. James shakes his head.

  “She shouldn’t be lifting anything, right?”

  “No,” he says flatly, visibly defeated in trying to tell my sister anything. I know the feeling.

  In the elevator, he manages to sneak it away from her with a kiss. She giggles and nudges him. Her eyes sparkle when she looks at him. I don’t know if anyone has ever looked at me like that.

  My phone vibrates unexpectedly. I pull it out, seeing messages from Rod in his stupid app. “He’s awake,” I say, scared to check and see what it says.

  Liz takes the phone.

  I stare at the shiny metal doors of the pristine elevator. It’s a weird sensation of déjà vu, seeing myself in the reflection.

  “He’s texting her. He’s awake and had the best sleep of his life. You made an excellent dinner and he cleaned a bottle of wine by himself. She responds with he needs to drink a bottle of wine to endure such dull conversations with—” Liz stops. “Anyway, it’s just them talking about nothing.”

  Elaine’s cruel comment about needing wine to endure me makes me angry, but I push it away, knowing I am going to finish her with the last laugh.

  The doors open and we step out as Liz leads us down the hall of the eighth floor to a door. She opens it and light floods the entryway as we walk into the bright and open space of the luxury apartment. It’s absolutely stunning.

  “I still can’t believe you cloned his phone and his chatting app. You two should have a detective agency,” James mutters. He is obviously unaware of Liz’s business transaction with Zeke, the neighbor boy.

  “It was pretty crazy,” I say, chuckling but the surreal experience I am having is a bit overwhelming.

  This space will be mine.

  Liz hurries to the bedroom as I place the box and my purse and keys down. She is beaming with that mischievous smile. “This is a little housewarming from us and Mom and Dad and Shawnee. We’ve been plotting it for a couple of weeks, since you decided to rent the apartment.” She opens the door to the bedroom.

  “What?” I scowl and follow after her, gasping in shock and disbelief. Weirdly, the bedroom is already set up. “How?” I whisper and enter the room I’m certain I’ve seen before. And not just on my Pinterest page. Whitewashed wood furniture. Lacy, fluffy white bedding. A floor-length stand-up mirror with lights framing it. A gorgeous blue rug that matches the lamps perfectly.

  “We didn’t think you would want to bring any bedroom furniture from your house. Considering,” Liz says, not finishing the sentence. I don’t need her to. The thought has crossed my mind for months on end. How many times exactly has Rod fucked Elaine in my bed?

  As if in a haze, I walk forward, touching the soft bedding and clinging to it. A bubble of something terrible rises to the surface and bursts from my lips in a sob.

  “It’s okay,” she says and wraps herself around me. It’s awkward with the baby bump, but she manages to hold me tightly as I lose it. My knees buckle and we sit on the bed, me sobbing into her shoulder as she strokes my head.

  All the bravado, decisiveness, and strength are gone, suggesting it might have been something of an armor I wore.

  It’s not how I imagined this year would go.

  But like for the rest of the world it seems, 2020 has not been easy.

  “You could leave today. Move in and forget this plan. Honestly, Brent would believe the accusations based on what you have now.”

  “No.” I turn to Liz. “I’m finishing this. I’m ruining them!”

  “Even if it ends up hurting you more?”

  “There is no more. He can’t hurt me m
ore. I’m humiliated and furious. But I can’t focus on it right now. I have to stay numb and finish it.” It’s an exhausting decision.

  “You know I’m all for ruining them both but this is a dangerous game to play with yourself. I think you need a deadline. A date you pick out that you will not go beyond.”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” I agree. “I mean I was watching the news the other night and they were saying this Covid outbreak is over forty thousand cases in China. A friend of mine is an English teacher there, and she says they’re in full military lockdown. They don’t leave the house at all. And all I could think about was how if it comes to Nova Scotia, I’ll end up in lockdown with Rod. And that was more terrifying than anything else. Not the virus. Not being alone. Not the end of my marriage. But being with my husband in our house for an indeterminate amount of time.”

  “You need to be moved before that happens.”

  I nod in agreement.

  My phone vibrates again. We glance down at Liz’s hands where it is. She opens the app and we see a photo of Elaine naked. She’s lying on white sheets and has her hand over her vagina, displaying the turquoise ring and her perfect little boobs.

  “Goddamn, she’s fit,” Liz whispers and I nod.

  “And soulless,” I add.

  Liz screenshots the picture.

  Rod sends a drooling face and deep down, but maybe not quite deep enough, I wish I’d chosen something else to drug him with. Something that would have made him sick instead of giving him the best sleep of his life.

  He doesn’t deserve sleep.

  Especially since I’m not getting any.

  Chapter 16

  March 17

  I eye the desk once more, ensuring I’m not forgetting anything.

  “This is insane, hey?” Simone says as she pops her head in the door of my office.

  “Insane. Did you hear they’re saying bars and salons are closing?” I ask and lift the box of my belongings. “I got my hair done yesterday, thank God. Who knows when we get in again?”

  “Yeah, well people haven’t listened. And now we’re going into lockdown. This is what we deserve.” Her dark eyes widen. “My family in New York are terrified. They’re not doing well at all. Covid is everywhere there.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Simone. I can’t imagine. I’ve been watching the updates. My phone has CNN and Aljazeera as favorites now. I have never watched the news this much in my life,” I say as we walk down the hall to the front door where my new car is parked in the loading zone, waiting for me to finish carrying out my computers.

  “How long do you think we’ll be working from home?” Simone asks.

  “Sam, my neighbor, says three months. He’s a doctor. He says if we follow protocols and people behave, we can have it under control in Nova Scotia for summer.”

  “Three months,” Simone groans.

  “I know. I’m so glad I have Romeo. Three months in my apartment alone might get a bit crazy even with him,” I joke but it’s the truth.

  “I’m going to stop by the SPCA and get a dog. I’ve been thinking about it for months now but you’re right. Being alone will make me crazy. And no sex for three months.” She winces.

  “I haven’t had sex in five months,” I confess. “A hundred and forty-seven days.”

  “Oh my God. You’re basically a nun now.” She cackles and nudges me. “I’ve been chatting with this girl from Bridgetown for a couple of weeks. Needless to say, I will be seeing her before the lockdown is official. I suggest you do the same.” She winks.

  “Call the girl in Bridgetown? I’ll keep that in mind.” We laugh at my lame joke. “Text me and we’ll have some Zoom wine dates.” I wave awkwardly with the box and walk out to the car.

  “Let me help ya.” Janice jumps up and gets the door for me to put my box down next to the two computer monitors and tower I am bringing home. “This the last of it?” she asks as she closes the door.

  “That’s it. Thanks.”

  “You poor accountants and payables people. Everyone else gets to take home laptops.”

  “I like my two screens. I would probably go mad on a laptop for work.”

  “I guess so. Is this the new car then?”

  “It is.” I smile at the shiny new Honda Accord in a silvery light gray. She doesn’t have a name yet.

  “It’s cute. Stay safe, Lilly.” She touches my arm lightly and walks back inside.

  “See ya, Janice.” I get in and start the car which turns on quickly and smoothly. I pull out of the parking lot to drive for Costco. I press down the hands-free and tell it to call Shawnee. The car obeys. A nice new feature.

  “Hey, girl,” Shawnee says excitedly. “How’s it going?”

  “Good. Just leaving work.”

  “Nice. In the new car no less. Bluetooth sounds amazing.”

  “It phoned you without me touching the phone.” I’m way too excited about this car. It feels traitorous to Helen.

  “I was about to text and see if we should still go for dinner tonight,” Shawnee says.

  “No, Liz wanted us to bring takeout to her so we could eat together. But I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea with her being so pregnant. They’re suggesting social-distance gatherings outside, but it’s too cold for that. James put his foot down and said no.”

  “I’ll get to see her another time. When it’s warmer. But I’m glad I trusted my instincts and left Vietnam before the lockdowns happened.”

  “And I’m glad your two weeks of quarantine are over.”

  “Just in time for three months of quarantine,” she says with a bitter laugh.

  “Yup,” I agree, sensing the same level of bitterness. “I’m hitting Costco to stock up on more things. There was no toilet paper last time I was there, and I’m actually getting to the point I need some.”

  “May the force be with you,” she says with a smile. I hear it in her voice. “You and I can still do dinner?”

  “I think so. I’ll get dinner and meet you at my place.”

  “I’ll bring dessert. See ya then.”

  “Bye.” I end the call with the fancy button on my steering wheel.

  Unfortunately, I am not the only person hoping to get to Costco. It’s a zoo and by the time I’m leaving, I’m exhausted and a bit glad we aren’t going to my sister’s for dinner. I want my cozy clothes and fireplace.

  When I reach the underground parking, I see Sam getting out of his SUV.

  “Hey, you,” I say with a wave. Our casual friendship has blossomed into something nice.

  “We have to stop meeting like this. Or we should start carpooling. Clearly, we have a similar schedule.” He strolls over carrying a backpack. “Want some help?” He eyes my trunk full of groceries.

  “I’d love some.”

  We load up our arms with my purchases. “I’ll come back for the computers.”

  “I’ll help.” He offers me that side-glance and smile. It’s the same one he gave me fifteen years ago when we met in a club downtown. The memory of that summer still makes my insides ball up. I wish I could take back so many things.

  “You nervous about the Covid?” I ask when we’re in the elevator.

  “Yup.” Again, he doesn’t bother with sugarcoating. “I think we’ll be all right, but the rest of the country is a gamble. BC will take the hardest hit because of location. Ontario and Quebec simply have too many people to contain it. Alberta will act like this is some militarization nonsense. Anything for a conspiracy theory to take off.” He laughs at his own comment but I’m failing to see any humor. “My money is on PEI. They’re going to rock this. If I were them, I’d close the bridge and make it through with war rations.”

  “That’s bleak,” I say. “Don’t hold anything back on my account, Doctor.”

  “I kinda like it when you call me Doctor, Lil.” He offers me that smile, flashing the dimple in his cheek.

  “Shut up,” I say with an eye roll.

  His laughter fills the hallway as we walk to my do
or. I struggle with the keys, but he helps, leaning so close I taste his subtle cologne in the air. It’s heady when he leans in, holding up my armload so I can get the keys into the lock and the door open.

  He waits and lets me go first. I place my things on the counter as Romeo saunters from the bedroom where he’s no doubt been napping the day away.

  “Why hello, sir,” Sam says as he puts everything down and scoops up the cat. “You are so soft. I take it the bathing has gone well.” He sniffs the cat’s side, making me laugh.

  “Not so much.” I sigh. “He hates the water. But weirdly loved being blow-dried.”

  “You blow-dry your cat?” He gives me a dubious look.

  “My mom always blow-dries her pets. What’s wrong with it? And he liked it.”

  “That’s weird.”

  “You’re weird. Anyway, Romeo loved the blow-dryer. He’s such a suck. He sleeps in my bed. None of my cats when I was a kid liked sleeping in the sheets. He’s a bed hog, actually.” I can’t help but gush about the little man. “And every day when I get home from work, he comes scampering over and offers me love and affection.”

  I’ve gone too far. He and the cat are staring.

  “That’s pretty awesome. You ready to go grab that computer equipment?”

  Oh, this is what comes from years of being unloved. I’m unbearable now that I have some.

  “I guess so.” I kiss Romeo on the nose, something he isn’t fond of, and whisper, “We’ll be right back.”

  Sam puts him down on the sofa and follows me to the elevator.

  “Did I tell you I bought a new TV?” he asks.

  “No.”

  “Well, I was going to see if you want my old one. It’s bigger than yours.”

  “That’s okay.” I smile, certain he will never understand that I don’t need a big TV.

  “I guess I can donate it.”

  “Do you have a huge box from it?” I ask, thinking about how Liz and I used to play with the cats and boxes.

  “I do.”